Here are a few scarves I have managed to finish. Two with Laceweight yarn, two with sportweight.
This is a shawl I made for my mom for Mothers Day. Finished Just in time too.
Worked with 10mm Laceweight Bamboo Yarn. Used a G Hook. Used the Following Pattern Here: http://milobo.files.wordpress.com/2008/10/evas-shawl1.pdf
This is time I will never get back. A couple of months of spare moments and laziness on the couch produced this beauty. I think that if it wasnt for my Godson, I wouldnt have completed it. I dont typically finish any project that doesnt have someone else as the recipient. I am not motivated otherwise. I am trying to fix that.
But without further ado, here is the Baby Gingham pattern blanket I made. Will post the pattern soon.
I started thinking about a few things yesterday. And I started choking back the tears. It is not that I was ashamed (ok maybe a little) but I just cry very little. I would prefer to scream. Or drink. Hello wine!
I realized, I have been choking on my words most often. I don’t say what I am thinking to certain people because of their fragile sense of self. And because I choke it back, my words spit out venomously from mouth and there is no turning back. I vent and get it all out, usually on someone removed from the situation. I can’t tell that person what I seriously think can I? Well, I could. I really could. And if I did, combined, I am sure it would go along these lines.
ARE YOU SERIOUS? CAN YOU PULL YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS FOR LONG ENOUGH TO FIRST BREATH, AND THEN SEE HOW MUCH YOU ARE AFFECTING MY LIFE? WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR BRAIN? WERE YOU NOT TAUGHT COPING MECHANISMS? WERE YOU NOT TAUGHT TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF? DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT YOU CAN SUCKLE OFF MY PROVERBIAL TEET UNTIL THE END OF MY LIFE, OR THE END OF YOURS (WHICH I MIGHT ADD MAY BE SOONER THAN YOU THINK IF YOU DONT FUCK OFF). WHY DO YOU INSULT WHAT I DO, HAVE OR OWN IN A “HOLIER THAN THOUGH ATTITUDE” WHEN YOU HAVE NOT HELPED ME ACHIEVE ANYTHING? WHY DO YOU THINK I OWE YOU SOMETHING OR YOUR NEEDS COME FIRST? I AM NOT LUCKY! I HAVE BUSTED MY HUMP FOR EVERYTHING I HAVE HAD AND EVERYTHING THAT I HAVE LOST. LIFE IS NOT SO HARD! GET OFF YOUR ASS! STOP IT! STAND UP FOR YOURSELF! GET SOME SELF RESPECT AND STOP REPEATING THE SAME MISTAKES. SUCK IT UP! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
This is of course not all to the same person. There is of course a recurring them of “takers”. Yes thats right. I am surrounded by a bunch of takers. People who suck me dry of time, money and energy, and they still pull for more. I am a giver by nature. And I am generally so very happy to do it. But I am realizing that no one is giving back to me. And yet I still choke on my words for fear of scaring them off, or making the person (people) feel bad about themselves, feel guilty, or worse, get mad. Nope…I take the high road. “Yes sir/yes ma’am. Of course I can help. It is no problem at all. Thats what friends/family do..”
No one told me the highroad is a mountain of feces and it is difficult to come down when you are waist deep.
“I Dont Want to” keep choking. I am running out of air.
“Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due.”
William R. Inge
“Worry a little bit every day and in a lifetime you will lose a couple of years.
If something is wrong, fix it if you can.
But train yourself not to worry:
Worry never fixes anything.”
Ernest Hemingway
Somethings in life are inevitable. Everyone lists the obvious…death, aging, taxes. I have come to realize in my life there are even more inevitable events, outcomes and the like. And I worry. Incessantly. My brow is actually creased even when my forehead is relaxed. I have to see Olay about that. I had it mentioned to me a year or so ago that a friend of mine was searching through photos, and everyone he had of me showed my worry. In fact,he stated, he has never even seen a photo of me where I don’t have a look of concern on my face. even when I am smiling. I obviously need to do a better job of hiding it, or I need to stop worrying. Easier said than done I suppose. I have always been a bit of a worrier. In fact, I justify it in that if I don’t worry about it, who will? As if it is a requirement of life and situations. Worrying has always inspired me to nip something in the bud before it blossoms into a horrible wretched flower stink flower I get stuck smelling.
” I Dont Want To” worry so much. I really don’t. My shoulders constantly feel heavy as if the metaphoric weight of my world has become real and almost unbearable. My mind wont stop racing with “what if” scenarios and catastrophe’s that I am convinced, if I worry long enough, will be solved or at least strategized to a point they can be solved. I waste so much time incessantly concerned about the actions and consequences of others unto themselves, that I have been blind to see that my action is worry, and my consequence is a mind so busy that i have wasted years of time when I could be thinking positively and enacting real honest to goodness change. Most importantly, I want to come to the realization that I shouldnt worry so much about the things I cannot change.
“I Dont Want To” be unhappy. But sometime everything just isn’t enough. And something would mean the world.
“ I Don’t Want To” be average. It is one of my greatest fears. I have always felt like this. Even growing up. I pushed myself to be smarter, learn more, do more, and keep learning. I never felt like I was given anything innate that I could rely on that would separate me from the pack. I am not exceptionally good looking, but with a little effort I clean up well. I am not ridiculously smart, but I catch on quick, and retain knowledge like an elephant through repetition like a parrot. I don’t perceive myself to have any natural talents, but I have constantly tried to find something that would reveal this magical wonder to me. Nope…haven’t found it. So I try and I try and I try. I am not really known for anything and it has caused a bit of an identity crisis. Who am I? What will I be remembered for? I want to be google-able. Not necessarily my name in the bright lights of a marquee but something…anything. I think I approached things wrong. I don’t recall ever having a passion that drove me to do one thing and enjoy it so much to continue. I placed precedence on being well rounded. Being able to do a little of everything, rather than being really good at one thing. Damn it. I want my one thing. A passion. I want a word that is synonymous with “me”. I am grasping at anything that will keep my interest for long enough that I forge a concrete identity through association or something that defines me.
There are a number of things on a daily basis that “I Dont Want to” do. Trumped by the very large life decisions that I have made not for myself, but because I “should” or “had to”. Baby steps….I am going to start small. Tackle the small. And change the small. Before I wander up an all-encompassing mountain.
On a daily basis “I Dont Want To”:
1. Get up in the morning for work. And it is becoming increasingly difficult. I have a hard time getting to sleep at night, and I am really not all that motivated to get mentally beaten everyday.
2. Wear makeup. Really I should just stop but without a little I look like a greasy, blemished 14-year-old girl. And it is hard enough being taken seriously with a set of fat globules on my chest as it is. I can’t risk looking too young to boot.
3. Answer the phone. I hate answering the phone. “Smile because they can hear it on the other end.” Eff that…I am grouchy, unappreciated, brow beaten, under caffeinated and over worked. I don’t want to smile, and I sure as hell don’t want to listen about how bad your day is because you can’t take 5 minutes to see that the problem lies between keyboard and chair and it is NOT the software.
3. Respond to professional emails. Especially if it is on my mobile device. Just because I have been issued a company standard blackberry device of evil does NOT mean that I am available 24/7 to ridiculous queries, cries for help, long-winded explanatory emails, or the worst…newsletters. I don’t have that much time on my hand to read the propoganda BS that is pushed to me on a daily schedule. I am not that interested. Honestly.
4. Talk on the phone to my friends. I am not a phone person. When I was a teenager, ya. I might have been. I enjoyed long pointless conversations on the phone to kill time, and gossip. Now…I want to avoid the gossip, and if I do want to gossip, I would prefer to do it in person over a very large bottle of wine. Face time people…In a world of technology, where there are impossible ways to reach a person, and 1400 ways to respond, we so rarely talk more than 140 characters to each other, and it is so rarely in person. I am a huge hypocrite I realize as I prefer texting, but I do try to connect in person when I am able.
5. Make you feel better. Yes you…it could be any you really. I realize that times are tough, you are depressed, you are broke, no one wants to hang out with you, your wife/husband/BF/GF left you, your dog ran away and your truck probably broke down (cue Garth Brooks!) But what you don’t realize is that you have no coping mechanism, you don’t handle money well, your husband/wife/BF/GF was an uninspired lazy hack who you “saw the good in”, and your vehicle was a POS because you never maintained it. See what I am getting at here? Venting is one thing, but repeating the same mistakes, and making a mess for yourself continually, while keeping a blind eye to the fact that “YOU” have directly caused a good 90% of your issues YOURSELF is not going to solve anything. And my patience with your constant “poor me” pity party is wearing thin. I am on the brink of telling you to pull the panties out of your rear and start being accountable. And that is the nice version.
6. Stop drinking that bottle of wine. Yes its a week day, and yes, I should be going to bed early. Early bird and all that. But the soft red tannins breaking over my tongue and filling my gullet with warmth tell me to keep going. The fuzzy haze that fills my mind, and relaxes my shoulders keeps telling me to go on. Damn you temptation.
7. Smoke. This is a big one. “I Dont Want To” smoke. I don’t want to have the tar stains that have started on the backs of my lower teeth, the smell of smoke in my hair and clothes, and the look of disdain when people find out I need to pop outside to have a smoke 5 meters from any exit. But having said that, I don’t know how to stop. I have tried patches, Champix, straight up will power and herbal supplements, but I always give myself an excuse to go back. It usually involved that bottle of wine from #6 …Again…damn you temptation.
I know there are more…
I am slowly fighting off a virus. I can feel it. My eyes are burning, my skin is warm, I am freezing, and my brain is soft soggy much. “I Don’t Want To” go to work. But I do. Not because I particularly like my job. Oh no…in fact, most days I am apathetic. I don’t do well with mundane, and dare I say it I am not challenged. At least not in a productive way. My patience is challenged. Daily. Maybe even hourly. But I have clients who are expecting answers, and it has fallen on me to answer them. What I wouldn’t give to take a day off sick…justifiably I am sick. But I feel guilty if I am able to still get out of bed, and not be working…so here I am.
I made my daily pilgrimage to Tim Hortons today’s to ward off the growlies that ensued me. But, even a steaming cup of coffee (my favorite vice) isn’t enough to keep me positive today. And I am slowly getting sucked down further into the mire of frustration. Once the positivity wanes….it is a slippery slope. “I Dont Want To” do anything. Forget SQL backups and restorations, forget timesheet billing details, forget crashed websites (PS Thanks Microsoft), and forget this! Gah! I want to scream. Can something just go right today? I dragged my sorry ass out of bed despite my best judgement so that I wouldn’t leave anyone hanging…and here I am hanging. Divine Universal retribution I say. Damn it!
New Years has come and gone and it is supposed to be a time to think forward and plan for the future. And while I am excited about that, and have a list of goals to accomplish as long as I am tall, I have to rehash a little of the old. The disdain for the old is what inspired me to blog in the first place. If I discipline myself to chart my own progress I will hopefully see some successes , and be inspired to do more. Conversely, if I don’t follow through and fall on my ass as I have done so many times in the past, hopefully someone will be reading this and hold me accountable.
My past, the old, has been a series of one “have to” or “should” after another. I nearly had a meltdown in late 09 when I realized, I didn’t know where or who I was anymore. All spurred by the simple question “What do you want?” Well fawk…..I don’t know what I want. I only know what I don’t want to do. I have a long list of ” I Dont Want To’s”. And so the seed for change was planted.
I am not being melodramatic when I say that I can’t remember the last time I did something for myself or did something I wanted. I wish I had a finger to point at someone for my general apathy toward life as of late, but I dont. It would be so much easier if I did. But truth be told, I can point that finger squarely at myself. I have ALLOWED myself to get here. I have said yes to everyone else’s need and wants above my own. Why? Oh a myriad of reasons… A lot revolve around guilt…hating to say no. Or some ridiculous notion that helping others all the time gave me some sort of purpose and worth in the world and to other people. I figured being needed was the same as being wanted….not true. And as I started to take stock, I was disappointed. A good percentage of the people I helped, did things for, put above myself, only called, or were present when they needed me. And not a single one knew what was going on with me…or what I was doing to stay sane in the hell that was ’09 both personally and professionally. And I didn’t have much to tell them anyway…unless they wanted to hear about the other people I was helping or putting first. So…what about me then?
What about me? I am working on it.
“I Dont Want to” forget about myself anymore.
I Dont Want To... 
